Ella Frances Sanders


Somewhat Ordered Thinking

1. Firmly in love means accepting that you are firmly uncertain.

2. It is the most uncomfortable and wondrous situation, being so many countless thousand miles away from the people who know you best. You try to see them with binoculars and fail, time and time again. Are they watering their plants? Are they sleeping with one hand underneath the pillow? Are they hungry for something other than every single day?

3. While on the topic of plants, I should address the disappointment I have felt since arriving in Canada. This disappointment lies mostly in my own inability to travel the great and unholy distances necessary to see real trees, the kind which are the height of a hundred humans.

4. I’ve got to get to the art shop before it closes, I’ve got to find paper larger than my suitcase and then I’ve got three days to try and fit it in. I’ve got to paint and bleed colour all over it’s cold smooth surface until my fingers seize up and won’t be warm again until I’ve run up and down the ocean (which I won’t do because I have a sore throat and it would be irresponsible in the highest).

5. It’s stopped raining for five minutes, ten, an hour. I should go outside and carry myself back home, but I can’t quite bring myself to. My shoes never completely dried out, and walking will remind me of that; inside I can keep them still and pretend they’re just cold.

6. I’m sitting in Union Pacific Coffee Co., surrounded by tiny students talking about homeostasis and midterms. I don’t look so different, laptop on one arm and caffeine in the other, but I’m wholly everything else. These years and years of learning that they do, that I so conveniently skipped across, it’s difficult sometimes to not envy them and their untempered potential. 

7. African split-pea soup, same as yesterday but for some reason I told her I was a vegetarian and now I can’t order a turkey wrap.

8. How many lives can one reasonably get away with living?

9. Didn’t realise that a cup was just a small bowl. And aren’t split-peas the same thing as lentils?

10. 2:30pm, Alaska time.

11. Don’t bother with the giving of yourself to people who aren’t going to hold your head when you sob in a most violent and ungraceful manner.

12. Part of going away is noticing whether or not the place you left behind is one you want to return to.

13. Procrastination by numbers.

14. Whenever somebody leaves the door open my heart relaxes a little, secretly fearing that it might in fact be trapped in this world of free wifi and wall planters forever.

15. Waterproof footwear is clearly not something I should have thought to leave behind.

16. I wonder why we thought to organise our western world the way we did, why we thought desk jobs were ever a good idea, why we needed to build glossy concrete buildings to block out the sun, why I’m still sitting here thinking of ways to prolong the inevitable.

17. I’m going to make it this time, really truly.